This text message came to me, and i thought it would be good discussion for the boards:

QUESTION - Are Black women taught by society and others...that they don't need a man? "We can do it on our own" ....strong black woman syndrome?

And if so, how does this affect our relationship with men?

Personally, I never thought that I didn't need a man. I grew up in a home with both my parents but, I never thought about whether or not my mom needed my dad, or his considerable income, to raise me and my siblings. It was never an issue b/c of their relationship with each other. They are best friends and honestly enjoy being around each other. I hope to find that type of love one day.

However, I caught the syndrome by being in a relationship and having a child to someone that I couldn't depend on. I've gotten so used to doing everything on my own b/c I HAD to that I have to check myself sometimes, now. It's hard not to come down with a severe case of it when approaching new relationships, though.

At the end of the day, I don't feel like I don't need ANY man...I just know that I don't need that particular one.

Do you think when some women say "I don't need a man" it might be a defense mechanism (to avoid dealing with being hurt, neglected, rejected, disappointed, and so on)?

Absolutely! But, I have a friend that TRULY believes she has no need for a man. She would love to have a relationship, get married, live happily ever after. But, she has been hurt more times than the law should allow. And I kept telling her: "A good man will come along and change your perception."

We had a long talk one day and she made a list of pros and cons of having a man in her life. There were no pros outside of physical pleasure. I don't fully believe her. And I pray I never get anywhere close to her mentality.

well, i was raised by an old fashioned, strong willed, italian woman (and my black step-dad after she died) and i do feel as though i don't need a man to be a success or to make me happy, but recognize that i do need a man to complete me as god intended. the goal is to find the right man...

depends on what you're talking about you don't need a man for.

to my knowledge, i don't know one woman regardless of race who hasn't been told, "make sure you can take care of yourself so you don't have to depend on a man." and so the girl goes out trying to be self-sufficient financially. which is good. because every woman should be able to take care of herself. our moms weren't lying.

it's just that what people need isn't just limited to material means. and there are other things we can get from men besides financial security. and i think a lot of times when women say they don't need a man, they are either ignoring or not mindful of the other stuff that you can get from being in a good relationship with a man... maybe that's 'cause there are some real f'd up relationships out there and maybe it's easier for some women to see the drawbacks than the benefits...

anyway i think that attitude does affect our relationships with men - i could be wrong here, but seems like to me everyone wants to feel needed, including men. shoot, especially men. if you treat somebody like you don't need them, and their upbringing has taught them that part of what defines them is their ability to take care of others, well damn. you just blew some isht up. if a woman makes 100x what her man makes, there's still some things he can do for her that she can't do for herself... and she needs to recognize that.

this isn't to say single women are incomplete without men. they are a complete woman. but just like with food and seasoning, the presence of a good man in a woman's life can enhance the quality of her life. and unfortunately, i don't think we hear this lesson as often as we hear "you can do bad by yourself," and the good message gets drowned out by the cautionary tale.

"this isn't to say single women are incomplete without men. they are a complete woman. but just like with food and seasoning, the presence of a good man in a woman's life can enhance the quality of her life. and unfortunately, i don't think we hear this lesson as often as we hear "you can do bad by yourself," and the good message gets drowned out by the cautionary tale."

I TOTALLY agree with you. I know I can take the trash out by myself, I can go out and enjoy dinner, a movie, whatever on my own. But, there's nothing like being in a good relationship with a good man that complements you. And you're right...too many times, we don't hear that. We are always shown the polar opposites: either you're in a wonderful relationship or you don't need a man at all. Realistically, there's a whole lot of gray area between those two that we go through.